Monday, 17 January 2011
the next post is on the new blog address!
http://moodmilliner.blogspot.com/2011/01/strange-feeling.html
Friday, 14 January 2011
Number Two.
In the world of motherhood the phrase Number Two conjures up two main images I’m not sure which I prefer really...
The first is that wonderful delighted feeling you get when a whiff of putrid feces wafts your way and you cry, in your most light, innocent voice, 'BABA, HAVE YOU DONE A STINKY POO?'. Then, if like me, you are the mother of a tall for his age two year old, after a few 'No’s, and laps round the living room which puff you out and make you feel a slight twinge of guilt that you haven’t quite managed to kick your 4 delicious and cherished guilty pleasure smokes a day habit/been to the gym or yoga for a couple of months, you manage to heard Little Companion upstairs and the process of clearing up said number two commences.
At this point you may wonder if I aught really to be beginning to think about potty training - he is two after all, eating normal grown up food and therefore... Well, you get the point: it’s not exactly a pleasant thing, changing my beloved son's nappies. I remember when I was childless and my then, only mother friend would bring her son round who had a love for blueberries and would actually poo in blueberry (had a slightly purple tinge and tiny seeds throughout - fascinating), I would wrinkle my nose in a slightly disapproving manner, as she began the process of clearing up the soiled nappy. I would drop not so subtle hints and say things like 'should he still be in nappies??' and helpful things like, 'God, I don't know how you can do that...' if I could go back and slap my childless self I absolutely would - bitch that I was. I have since apologized for wearing my Judges Wig when I saw her all those times… She smiled wisely in that way that people who have older children than you do. (I’ve been practicing the smile on the two pregnant in my office. Its accompanied by my Knowing Hat, which looks rather like the Wizards hat from Fantasia’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.) In answer to the original question, Yes, I am thinking about potty training, and I have to say it fills me with dread, and completely exhausts me all at the same time. Having said that, it cheers me up that at some point Little Companion will most definitely go through the process of potty training - I mean we all learn at some point, don’t we?! And I will come out of the process with a few more of your wonderful English pounds in my pocket, with brilliant, really small and therefore cute, colourful and cartoon underpants to hang up, and a mood hat of smugness mixed in with relief and triumph. I believe this hat would look a little like the one that Napoleon used to wear. Joking aside (well, I say joking I really mean humorous truths aside) I will probably start potty training our little man in the spring and summer, so that he can run around naked - if he's anything like his dad this will bring joy unbounded, and we'll cross that bridge then. I will most probably talk more about this process when this bridge to the Napoleonic Smug Hat is in the processed of being trudged across...
The second Number Two I would like to address is the theoretical little person that is Baby Number Two. Baby Number Two is discussed almost from the point of the birth of your first child. in certain circles where, Mother Earth, natural birthing, breastfeeding, weaning, teat types, buggy types, baby massage, baby yoga, basically anything natural, and baby orientated is completely obsessed over and discussed to within an inch of its life, my experience that these folks think they will plan the gap, and to be fair to them, most of them do, successfully. I however have a slightly different outlook. I tried for, and really wanted a natural birth, but Little Companion was breach, so the hospital decided for me - I was to have a C-section. I tried to breastfeed, managed and am proud of what I believe to be a whapping 11 weeks of almost exclusive breastfeeding (with gallons of milk being expressed, eventually resulting in my milk supply depleting and causing me to have to do half breast, half powder, when I thought, what the hell kind of thing am I putting myself through here - You've had a very good run by lots of standards, so if you want to stop breastfeeding, give yourself a break, so I did) Little companion is healthy, happy and none the wiser that I didn’t make it to the (NCT members, look away now) 6 months breast feeding mark…. Little companion, while being an absolutely delightful, most loved, welcome and awesome addition to our family, was not exactly a planned addition, which is some ways makes him all the more wonderful in my eyes. While I was trying to fit in with the group of Earth Mothers/Diamond Encrusted Women described above I thought to myself, I’ll have Baby Number Two when Little Companion is about two and a half to three and a half. I am a planner – just ask my ‘It will be fine’ husband (argh!! How will it be fine?! SHOW ME!!?), I like to know what’s going to happen, and to be able to control things. But when it comes to Baby Number Two, my experiences seem to be, when It comes to these things, planning too much only bring stress, and stress is not what you need when you have a toddler, a full time job, have just moved house, had a pretty rocky Christmas in terms of marriage, lots of wonderful friends and family members who you are desperate to see regularly, a husband who you love, but rarely get to see before eleven on week nights due to his job.
So in my Earth mother phase I thought to myself, It’s a good window, right? 2 and a half, to 3 and a half. It may well still happen within that window – who knows, but I now think, fuck it, I’ll get pregnant when it feels right – when both of us are ready to add to our family, not to fit in with some some schedule, and crucially, once I’ve had my coil removed. After the ‘surprise!’ and birth of Little Companion, I asked the doctor to make me bomb proof - this was her plan - and it has worked in defending me against Little Companion's Dads 'extra strong jus jus' (his words, not mine), so far.
As your little companion reaches two, more and more people ask or say, 'so, TWO! can’t be long before you start trying for baby number two!' friends who have asked me this - I have no qualms about you asking me this, as I have no qualms about giving you an honest answer to the question (see above). But when someone I used to work with, someone I consider an 'ex-colleague', and an utter tool, asks me, I feel like shouting down the phone, 'REALLY? You would like to know the details of my child making plans?? Well, right now, I’m on my period and my husband won't have sex with me, so no hope of conceiving tonight!' but instead I say, 'hahaha! I’m deflecting all questions on the topic at the moment, time is on my side, and life is good as it is at the moment!' with a big, fat, fake grin plastered across my face. What a ballbag.
So number two, feces or intimate details about when you next plan to conceive... not sure which I’d pick, so maybe I’ll be donning my ' sitting on a fence’ hat: think white, with long dangly bits at the sides, like the Stuarts, or Mormons.
The first is that wonderful delighted feeling you get when a whiff of putrid feces wafts your way and you cry, in your most light, innocent voice, 'BABA, HAVE YOU DONE A STINKY POO?'. Then, if like me, you are the mother of a tall for his age two year old, after a few 'No’s, and laps round the living room which puff you out and make you feel a slight twinge of guilt that you haven’t quite managed to kick your 4 delicious and cherished guilty pleasure smokes a day habit/been to the gym or yoga for a couple of months, you manage to heard Little Companion upstairs and the process of clearing up said number two commences.
At this point you may wonder if I aught really to be beginning to think about potty training - he is two after all, eating normal grown up food and therefore... Well, you get the point: it’s not exactly a pleasant thing, changing my beloved son's nappies. I remember when I was childless and my then, only mother friend would bring her son round who had a love for blueberries and would actually poo in blueberry (had a slightly purple tinge and tiny seeds throughout - fascinating), I would wrinkle my nose in a slightly disapproving manner, as she began the process of clearing up the soiled nappy. I would drop not so subtle hints and say things like 'should he still be in nappies??' and helpful things like, 'God, I don't know how you can do that...' if I could go back and slap my childless self I absolutely would - bitch that I was. I have since apologized for wearing my Judges Wig when I saw her all those times… She smiled wisely in that way that people who have older children than you do. (I’ve been practicing the smile on the two pregnant in my office. Its accompanied by my Knowing Hat, which looks rather like the Wizards hat from Fantasia’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.) In answer to the original question, Yes, I am thinking about potty training, and I have to say it fills me with dread, and completely exhausts me all at the same time. Having said that, it cheers me up that at some point Little Companion will most definitely go through the process of potty training - I mean we all learn at some point, don’t we?! And I will come out of the process with a few more of your wonderful English pounds in my pocket, with brilliant, really small and therefore cute, colourful and cartoon underpants to hang up, and a mood hat of smugness mixed in with relief and triumph. I believe this hat would look a little like the one that Napoleon used to wear. Joking aside (well, I say joking I really mean humorous truths aside) I will probably start potty training our little man in the spring and summer, so that he can run around naked - if he's anything like his dad this will bring joy unbounded, and we'll cross that bridge then. I will most probably talk more about this process when this bridge to the Napoleonic Smug Hat is in the processed of being trudged across...
The second Number Two I would like to address is the theoretical little person that is Baby Number Two. Baby Number Two is discussed almost from the point of the birth of your first child. in certain circles where, Mother Earth, natural birthing, breastfeeding, weaning, teat types, buggy types, baby massage, baby yoga, basically anything natural, and baby orientated is completely obsessed over and discussed to within an inch of its life, my experience that these folks think they will plan the gap, and to be fair to them, most of them do, successfully. I however have a slightly different outlook. I tried for, and really wanted a natural birth, but Little Companion was breach, so the hospital decided for me - I was to have a C-section. I tried to breastfeed, managed and am proud of what I believe to be a whapping 11 weeks of almost exclusive breastfeeding (with gallons of milk being expressed, eventually resulting in my milk supply depleting and causing me to have to do half breast, half powder, when I thought, what the hell kind of thing am I putting myself through here - You've had a very good run by lots of standards, so if you want to stop breastfeeding, give yourself a break, so I did) Little companion is healthy, happy and none the wiser that I didn’t make it to the (NCT members, look away now) 6 months breast feeding mark…. Little companion, while being an absolutely delightful, most loved, welcome and awesome addition to our family, was not exactly a planned addition, which is some ways makes him all the more wonderful in my eyes. While I was trying to fit in with the group of Earth Mothers/Diamond Encrusted Women described above I thought to myself, I’ll have Baby Number Two when Little Companion is about two and a half to three and a half. I am a planner – just ask my ‘It will be fine’ husband (argh!! How will it be fine?! SHOW ME!!?), I like to know what’s going to happen, and to be able to control things. But when it comes to Baby Number Two, my experiences seem to be, when It comes to these things, planning too much only bring stress, and stress is not what you need when you have a toddler, a full time job, have just moved house, had a pretty rocky Christmas in terms of marriage, lots of wonderful friends and family members who you are desperate to see regularly, a husband who you love, but rarely get to see before eleven on week nights due to his job.
So in my Earth mother phase I thought to myself, It’s a good window, right? 2 and a half, to 3 and a half. It may well still happen within that window – who knows, but I now think, fuck it, I’ll get pregnant when it feels right – when both of us are ready to add to our family, not to fit in with some some schedule, and crucially, once I’ve had my coil removed. After the ‘surprise!’ and birth of Little Companion, I asked the doctor to make me bomb proof - this was her plan - and it has worked in defending me against Little Companion's Dads 'extra strong jus jus' (his words, not mine), so far.
As your little companion reaches two, more and more people ask or say, 'so, TWO! can’t be long before you start trying for baby number two!' friends who have asked me this - I have no qualms about you asking me this, as I have no qualms about giving you an honest answer to the question (see above). But when someone I used to work with, someone I consider an 'ex-colleague', and an utter tool, asks me, I feel like shouting down the phone, 'REALLY? You would like to know the details of my child making plans?? Well, right now, I’m on my period and my husband won't have sex with me, so no hope of conceiving tonight!' but instead I say, 'hahaha! I’m deflecting all questions on the topic at the moment, time is on my side, and life is good as it is at the moment!' with a big, fat, fake grin plastered across my face. What a ballbag.
So number two, feces or intimate details about when you next plan to conceive... not sure which I’d pick, so maybe I’ll be donning my ' sitting on a fence’ hat: think white, with long dangly bits at the sides, like the Stuarts, or Mormons.
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